i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
