If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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