you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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