I should be sponsored by Trojan
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
