he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
