New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
