I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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