also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
