There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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