I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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