I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
