life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
