You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
