Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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