and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
