And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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