I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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