I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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