I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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