i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Is it because I queefed?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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