Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize