its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
