I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
