Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize