Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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