bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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