he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
