I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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