My liver just broke up with me...
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize