The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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