If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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