Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
