Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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