theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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