Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
