My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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