As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize