I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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