They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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