I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
