Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize