I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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