I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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