Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
