Define "chronic" masturbator.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
