it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
