I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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