how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
