im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She announced her abortion via fbk
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Randomize
