I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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