Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
