Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
