I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
