does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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