...so i touched it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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