so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
