How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
