I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just forgot I was standing up.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
