I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
