the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
