I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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