Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
