Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
