The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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