But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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