Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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