I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
