I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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